


the road to hell is paved with good intentions

by whiningheda



Category: Carmilla (Web Series), Carmilla - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, F/F, I'm Sorry, Major character death - Freeform, No happy endings, Other, Season 1, Self Harm, Suicide, trigger warning, tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-26
Updated: 2020-07-26
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:49:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25521634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whiningheda/pseuds/whiningheda
Summary: Set towards the end of season 1. Carmilla is dead. Laura can't cope.
Relationships: Laura Hollis/Carmilla Karnstein
Kudos: 14





	the road to hell is paved with good intentions

Laura looked down.

She twisted the cold metal blade slowly in her hand.

It was a bad habit she picked up in high school, after her mom had died. She became numb to everything, and it became the only coping mechanism she knew. She figured it made sense that if she couldn’t feel anything emotionally, that she would at least be able to feel something physically.

Her dad became the exact opposite. His emotions were on display tenfold, causing him to become the overprotective parent he still was. He did everything in his power to make sure Laura was safe and able to protect herself if need be. He paid for years of Krav Maga, sent her countless cans of bear spray, and even tried to get her to take a gun safety course, which Laura had declined numerous times.

She knew she couldn’t trust herself with one.

She started to wonder if it would have made this easier if she got one anyway when she had the chance.

Laura loved her dad dearly, and knew he was only concerned for her well-being. She knew he only wanted to make sure she was always as safe as possible. She understood his strong urge to protect her. She knew he felt guilty that he could not protect her mother the same way.

Because of this, Laura made sure to never leave any evidence that her father could see. She kept it isolated to her shoulders and hips, knowing that it was the easiest way to hide the scars and avoid questioning. A blade was tucked away in her backpack or under her pillow, as childish as that may seem. Her dad was overprotective, but luckily not invasive.

She knew if he ever found out how heartbroken he would be. She couldn’t bear the thought of seeing her dad that way again, especially knowing _she_ would have been the cause of it that time. So she kept it limited. Only let herself feel some sort of relief when it was a particularly hard day, or when the numbness would seep so far into her bones that she wished it would overtake her completely and by some sort of mercy not let her wake up the next day.

Laura was proud to say it had been a few years since she had to resort to her bad habit to feel something. But she was never quite strong enough to get rid of her blades completely. In a sick way they provided comfort knowing she had access to them if she absolutely needed it.

Laura closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Here she was again. Numb, with nowhere else to turn. She steadied herself, took another swig of the disgusting hot chocolate vodka mix from her TARDIS mug and pressed play on her computer. She couldn’t stomach the taste of alcohol alone, and unfortunately hot chocolate was the only thing she could mix it with tonight. She knew how desperately she needed _something_ to get her through this.

In the dark of the dorm room she was completely immersed by the video playing out on her screen. Carmilla’s voice filled her ears while she watched her act disaffected and aloof. Hearing and seeing her broody roommate was enough to make her want to start crying again.

She guessed she never technically stopped though.

Laura couldn’t decide if it was a cruel twist of fate feeling _everything_ right now as opposed to nothing. She could feel her eyes start to become tender with how much she’s been crying. She could feel the unnatural burn of alcohol coursing through her veins. She could feel her heart thumping erratically in her chest, breaking itself into a million pieces over seeing Carmilla through her screen when she knew she would never be able to see her alive again.

 _“God dammit!”_ She watched as Carmilla moved on the screen. _“Of all the imbecilic…idiot, suicidal!”_ Carmilla took a breath, and so did Laura. _“You just had to go and get yourself eaten… oh god, you’re somewhere getting eaten.”_

Laura broke. She couldn’t hold it back anymore. She cried so hard she could feel it wracking her whole body, making it difficult to even breathe. Breathing was not on the list of Laura’s priorities at the moment. All she could think of was that she was _gone._ She was gone, and it was Laura’s fault again. Her mom, and now Carmilla? Laura always tried to do the right thing. _Always._ But it seemed like it was never enough.

She wanted to do the right thing and expose the vice principal for embezzling in the candy gram in 8th grade. Of course, that warranted a call home. Her mom thought she was obviously in the right, and wanted to pick her up so she didn’t have to deal with the corrupted school staff. Trying to do the right thing only lead to her mom’s sudden death.

Laura never forgave herself.

She could never forgive herself, but apparently, she did not learn her lesson. Here she was fighting valiantly to save girls from being sacrificed to some kind of fish god only to get the people she cared about hurt and killed.

She couldn’t stop crying. The same thing Carmilla was worried about happening to Laura is exactly what ended up being Carmilla’s fate. She knew rationally that what Carmilla did was for the greater good. That she did it for _her._ But that didn’t mean anything to Laura right now. All that meant is that someone she deeply cared for, and maybe even loved, died because of _her._ Again.

Laura turned over her left wrist and made a cut. Quick and deep. She only got about a quarter of the way down before it hurt too much to keep going.

She never cut herself in such a visible place before, but she knew with the way that the night would end that ultimately it would not matter. This is what she needed to do to get the job done.

She dropped the razor in her lap and took another long drink of the disgusting hot chocolate vodka concoction she had. She wasn’t drunk enough quite yet. She could feel everything too much still.

She paused the video, she couldn’t let herself relive the end again. So she decided it would be appropriate to start at the beginning.

Laura had already memorized every word Carmilla said throughout her videos, every facial feature, she even convinced herself that she knew what she was thinking in every frame with how much she’s watched these videos over and over and over. It was the one thing that brought both comfort and extreme pain.

It reminded her of exactly how she was feeling right now – comforted by the alcohol and pained by sensation of the wound running down the length of her forearm.

 _“I’m your new roommate, sweetheart.”_ Laura smiled a little crookedly at that. She never would have admitted it, but she loved how snarky she was. Underneath all her snark and apathy, Carmilla was a big softie. Which in turn was a huge weakness of Laura’s.

Laura started to feel guilty. How dare she thought about her feelings towards her right now when she is the literal reason why Carmilla is _dead?_

She picked the razor back up and continued the cut further down her arm, quietly hissing at the pain. She put the razor on the desk to get herself ready for the next step. She finished the rest of her drink and carefully put the TARDIS mug on the furthest edge of the desk. She didn’t want to risk knocking it off later.

Laura paused the video and pulled up her camera to film another video. The last one.

She took a deep breath, and hit record.

Laura looked into the lens for a brief moment, letting the reality of everything wash over her. She looked down.

“So…” her voice was hoarse from disuse over the past few days after she shut herself away. She looked back up at the lens.

“The best thing I can think of to say right now is I’m sorry. Perry, Laf, Danny, hell, even Kirsch – I’m sorry.” Her breath caught in her throat, preparing herself for what she was going to say next. “Dad –“ her voice broke, she shut her eyes and tried to steel her nerves. She had to get through this part without crying, she had to get out the last words she wanted to say without breaking.

“Dad, I’m sorry. I am so, so sorry,” she shook her head as if to will away the tears that were springing in her eyes. “I just… I can’t do it anymore. I’m so sorry, but I can’t.” Laura picked up the razor she set on her desk and held it in her lap.

“I’ve been trying so hard. For so long. I have always tried to do what is right. I have always tried to make the world a better place by investigating and trying to stop what I thought was wrong. I guess that’s what always got me into trouble in the first place… playing Lois Lane and sticking my nose where it didn’t belong.” She smiled mirthlessly. She looked back down and picked the blade up with her left hand, getting it ready.

“No matter what I’ve tried to do in the name of justice, it has always backfired… and apparently I never learned my lesson. First my mom, and now,” she looked towards the ceiling, “now you, Carm. And I can’t, I can’t have this happen to more people.” She couldn’t hold it back anymore, she let the tears flow down her face. “I cannot be the reason that more people die. I can’t let people keep laying down their life for me because I think I have some righteous crusade. I can’t keep putting the people I love at risk,” she looked back down and whispered, “and I can’t keep living with myself with this guilt. I can’t forgive myself.”

Laura looked back into the camera and finally started to feel some sort of peace. She could feel the alcohol start taking its calming effects and the pain from her arm starting to dissipate. She was starting to feel a little fuzzy. A faint smile played at the edge of her lips.

“So again… I’m sorry. Dad… you did an amazing job. This is not your fault, please do not think for a second that it is. You kept me safe, you kept me loved, and I could not have asked for a better father. Thank you for getting me this far, dad. You don’t have to protect me anymore. I’ll be safe, I promise. I won’t feel any more pain. I’ll be better... I’ll be with mom, okay?” Another tear fell while she attempted an actual smile.

“Mom… I hope I’ve made you proud so far. I’m sorry I can’t go any further. I promise I tried my best,” she was starting to break again, “I promise.” She got the blade ready to go down the length of her right forearm. “Carm… I am so sorry that I let that happen to you. I am so sorry that you got wrapped up in my world and had to sacrifice your life because of it. I am so sorry that I was too headstrong and naïve to think about how any of this was going to affect you. And now,” another sob broke through, “and now you’re dead too.”

Laura made the incision along her right forearm, making sure it was deep and long enough to match the one on her left. She hissed out in pain again before she felt the peaceful fuzziness wash back over her.

“Perry, Laf, Danny, Kirsch… Thank you. I appreciate you all more than I could say, especially since you were willing to risk yourselves for my cause too. I’m so sorry you got hurt in the crosshairs. I promise it won’t happen again, at least not because of me.” She dropped the blade on the floor and let the warmth of her blood trickling down her arms soothe her.

“Dad, I love you. Thank you for everything,” she shook her head slowly with tears silently flowing down her face, hoping that her dad would see the love she had for him written on her face so she wouldn’t have to say it out loud. She didn’t think she could.

“Mom, Carm… I’ll see you soon.”


End file.
